This is not one of my normal posts....
Lately, I have been struggling. How it all started or what was the straw that broke the camel's back... I have no clue. But struggling... lots of self doubts. Lots of regrets..... lots.
I even started to view myself as a victim. What? I do not like this AT ALL!
To say I have been cranky is really an understatement. I have been downright rude, hard on others - but even harder on myself, moody, irritable, impatient...oh the list goes on and on.... and yes, you may give my hubby and youngest a round of applause ;) [they have been putting up with for quite a long time - at least 9-10 months!]
But even being able to recognize this - I had no idea where it was coming from. At first, I thought, "Oh it is just your hormones. You are almost 50. Get over it." I will blame all of my troubles on menopause. And for awhile I did just that. "Here comes a hot flash.... so it is alright if I chew your head off.....because I am hot."
Then when I realized that "50" was right around the corner....Well, I kind of freaked out. More self-loathing, more regrets... more longing for a different outcome....
So I have been praying.... and I mean a continual conversation with God. In those conversations, all of my regrets have come forward.... full in my face.... so of course, that just seemed to sink me lower. I was crying a lot, feeling even more sorry for myself. Sleeping more... or actually napping more....[I think that was a result of trying to be Miss Happy to everyone in the outside world - so exhausting]. I started to believe I was depressed....
I think when I finally got to that point, God had to slap me upside the head and say, "Start listening and stop whining!"
Last Sunday, our Pastor talked about sin.... he redefined it for me. He said sin was not the small stuff... it was letting other things come between you and God - to not have God be your focus. He said that it was not a sin to fall asleep during his sermon, or saying the wrong thing to someone, or having unkind thoughts.... He said if we are worrying about those then we are letting the Devil get the better of us and we are not focusing on living with God in our lives. That was the slap upside the head I needed!
All of my adult life, I have been trying to "make up" for all the things I did in my teens and early 20's.... all the small stuff that I thought was sin.... I have been so focused on trying to undo my sins - that I lost sight of the bigger picture. I had let the Devil control me for nearly 30 years!
Over the course of this week, with this new attitude... I started to view my life very differently.
While I have certainly broken the Ten Commandments countless times - nearly all of them every day..... God has always been a part of my life. He is most certainly the center of it.
So this morning when I got up - I let go of the son who felt slighted, the son who felt like the victim......
and let God embrace me as his prodigal son.
(The Prodigal Son, John August Swanson)
I even started to view myself as a victim. What? I do not like this AT ALL!
To say I have been cranky is really an understatement. I have been downright rude, hard on others - but even harder on myself, moody, irritable, impatient...oh the list goes on and on.... and yes, you may give my hubby and youngest a round of applause ;) [they have been putting up with for quite a long time - at least 9-10 months!]
But even being able to recognize this - I had no idea where it was coming from. At first, I thought, "Oh it is just your hormones. You are almost 50. Get over it." I will blame all of my troubles on menopause. And for awhile I did just that. "Here comes a hot flash.... so it is alright if I chew your head off.....because I am hot."
Then when I realized that "50" was right around the corner....Well, I kind of freaked out. More self-loathing, more regrets... more longing for a different outcome....
So I have been praying.... and I mean a continual conversation with God. In those conversations, all of my regrets have come forward.... full in my face.... so of course, that just seemed to sink me lower. I was crying a lot, feeling even more sorry for myself. Sleeping more... or actually napping more....[I think that was a result of trying to be Miss Happy to everyone in the outside world - so exhausting]. I started to believe I was depressed....
I think when I finally got to that point, God had to slap me upside the head and say, "Start listening and stop whining!"
Last Sunday, our Pastor talked about sin.... he redefined it for me. He said sin was not the small stuff... it was letting other things come between you and God - to not have God be your focus. He said that it was not a sin to fall asleep during his sermon, or saying the wrong thing to someone, or having unkind thoughts.... He said if we are worrying about those then we are letting the Devil get the better of us and we are not focusing on living with God in our lives. That was the slap upside the head I needed!
All of my adult life, I have been trying to "make up" for all the things I did in my teens and early 20's.... all the small stuff that I thought was sin.... I have been so focused on trying to undo my sins - that I lost sight of the bigger picture. I had let the Devil control me for nearly 30 years!
While I have certainly broken the Ten Commandments countless times - nearly all of them every day..... God has always been a part of my life. He is most certainly the center of it.
So this morning when I got up - I let go of the son who felt slighted, the son who felt like the victim......
and let God embrace me as his prodigal son.
Wow could I relate to your post! I feel the same way about trying to make up for the teens and 20's! And I am 58- it is exhausting and crabby making and I should of known better! Now to stop it and go forward. I hope I can find the strenght
ReplyDeleteHi Stephanie. I know you can find the strength..... just take baby steps.... and pray. Take care and Happy NEW Year!
DeleteI can relate, but must forgive ourselves and move on
ReplyDeleteSo true Terry! I am finally learning this!!!
DeleteI've been going through some similar stuff and God has redirected me and straightened out my mind. I'm in a good place mentally and can see how I allowed the enemy to play with my mind and keep me confused and filled with sorrow and doubts.
ReplyDeletePraising God that He has revealed this to us and heals us in ways that we simply can not accomplish on our own.
Walk in the Truth, Girl!! You are a dearly loved Child of the Most High God!!
God is Good Pam! Thank you for sharing with me!
DeleteWhat a grace to have God speak to us through our shepherd when we need it!! Thanking God with you for his mercy and forgiveness. May His joy be yours!! ((Hugs!!))
ReplyDeleteHugs to you too Annette! You are so right, we are so blessed to have God place such wonderful people in our lives..... and you are definitely one of them!
DeleteThank you for posting! It takes courage to publicly state where you are at. Winter is my worst time for feeling low and I constantly struggle with these same feelings. Thank you for the readjustment in attitude for me! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteAwww thank you Cindy. I have not really written a lot about my faith in this blog.... but I have decided that it is good to share about a struggle just as much as it is to share about a joy. Lately, when I have a struggle - a much larger joy comes out of it. So while we go through these ups and downs - God puts people in our lives to help us up or enjoy in the good! Many hugs to you Cindy! Embrace the winters because Spring is not too far away!
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