Memory......
Is yours strong.... detailed..... like an elephant? Or is it spotty..... scattered.... full of holes?
Lately my memory, or rather lack thereof, has been something of a concern for me. (Or maybe stress and worry are a better description!)
I worked in the same job for nearly 30 years, but last year started a new position at a new office.... same field - but very different from the previous position. Well, let me just tell you that has been a crazy ride this past year and one of the reasons I have not been writing much lately. But as crazy and hard as it has been - I would most certainly, do it all over over again. (This is a whole article all on its own....)
Struggles with memory has definitely been one of the issues over this past year.... and it especially arose in a conversation with a co-worker this week. We were talking about how some items are easier to write than others... I shared with him that 12 years ago I had written a piece for a Lent service. I explained that during the editing, I was not happy with the feel of it. So much so, that three-four days before the Service - I scrapped the whole thing and started over. The point in sharing this little story was the second piece flowed and required very little editing.
Then he asked me for the crib note version of the speech.... Crickets...... Yes, crickets were heard at that very moment. Well, at least in my head...
Luckily for me, he was called away to another matter and the conversation ended. However, the effects of that conversation did not end for me. I mulled it over... racked my brain... even did a little internet research on the subject to see if that would help. A few snippets came back....
Then the crazy self-doubting voice said, "Does my co-worker think I was telling a fib?" Maybe...
Yet, if I had been asked what I was feeling at the time of writing it, or of giving it.... well.... I could have given such detail that it may have taken until the office closed for me to finish... Yes, that is stretching it... a little.
If having a good or great memory is based on details, which details are considered acceptable?
Going back to the speech.....
I would have been able to talk about how nervous the idea of getting up in front of a group people was for me. How that nervousness went away when the group laughed, sighed, and nodded their heads at the right times.... How I felt after the meeting was over and a favorite friend told me she was moving to Wisconsin.... How I noticed her nervousness in telling me.
However, there is not one little detail of the actual speech itself. Shoot, I cannot even remember the title!
In sharing that moment with my co-worker.... along with the racking of the brain and crazy self-doubting voice... a new realization came to light.... ding, ding, ding... .
I remember the details of feelings, emotions, reactions, moments.... For me the speech was the vehicle to bring all those emotions and feelings to the surface for others and for me. I can recall the dry mouth, the smiles from the darkened church, the elation when the talk was over, the great shock and sadness of my friend telling me of her impeding move.
Over the past year I have worried so much about not being able to remember a password, or the procedure for something I had done a billion times, having to write all the new procedures down.... I will not go further and bore you.....
I did not need to worry. I did not need to stress. I did not need to fill my head with crazy self-doubt..... My memory works differently from others.
My details are the smiles, the smell of the meal, the song playing in the background, the temperature of the room..... those are as relevant as what consecutive numbers and letters created a password.
If memory issues are a struggle for you..... If you scratch your head when you walk into a room because you cannot remember why you are there....
Do not worry - do not stress - do not be hard on yourself.... our memory works differently.
Do not try to fill up those holes.